Anxiety? I got systems in place. Stressed out? I know just how to cope. Hypochondria? Well I can kind of talk my way around it or do something about it. But loneliness? I’m screwed.
Recently things in my life have changed, and change for me is fine. I’m kool wit it, I’m down wit eet. But that change includes not really going home for summer when all my home friends were back for months. It includes moving across the city (and technically out of it) away from all my support systems and friends and networks of people. It includes getting a full-time job in which I have to stand and smile at a whole train station of camera phones and its grumpy commuters and lost tourists and its constant torrent of complaints aimed at me that aren’t about my job or company at all (and I’m currently on a 12 day streak of constantly working). Change that includes breaking up with my girlfriend on our 7 month anniversary (how romantically tragic I know).
I did get to see my friends, albeit brief; my new place is lovely, the area I’m in now is great; the job pays well, they are giving me loads of shifts; my ex and I are on good terms, it was mutual and best for us both. So I should be fine right?
I’m lonely. I’m lonely and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I feel unmotivated, it takes me over an hour to get of bed, I’m not eating right, everything feels really hard to do. Like my washing up, I quiet literally have no cutlery and no pots and pans or plates or bowls because they are sat in a huge mountain, dirty, on the kitchen bench. I havent had my period for a while. Because I already feel a bit rocky, every niggley thought about illness or escape routes (as in previous post) are very hard to deal with. My fingers are shredded – I think I get a form of dermatophagia. I’m also drinking more, and had a horrific nightmare last night. But most of all, none of my systems and things that normally calm me down or help me, just aren’t – or I feel like I physically can’t do them. And I don’t say I can’t do something very often.
All I can think of doing is gritting my teeth, trying to see my friends as much as I can, trying to eat right as much as I can, and baring it until my new course, starts my flat mates move in and I find a different job.
That’s all from my mini cathartic whine, I shall now be finishing my actual wine and going to sleep. Maybe I’ll re-download tinder…